30%

I expected a lot when I had my fist child. I expected the pain of labor, and the joy of his first smile. I wasn't shocked by how hard it was on me the first time he got a major boo-boo, or by how frustrated I get by disobedience. There aren't many huge shockers with kids, after all you were one.

Also you know how to be a parent before you even come close to becoming one. Just like knowing how to drive before you ever get behind the wheel. You have seen it done for years, and when you finally get the keys in your hands most things come second nature. Sure, there are some things you pick up along the way, how to change a tire or the best place to get gas, but when all is said and done you really have been driving way longer then you have had a license, just as a passenger.

It is all about expectations, acceptance, and adapting

Let me give you the deal with Daniel. My other posts have been about my emotions, thoughts, personal fyi's if you will, about my son having Autism. Well, here is the meat and bones about it as I see and understand it.

Daniel was diagnoses 1 month before his 2nd birthday. By the time you are 3, your brain is basically set on how its going to work. Since we figured out whats going on with Daniel early we have the next year to try and change the way his brain processes information. We have this time to work with him, teach him, and change the way we 'play' to hopefully lesson the symptoms. When he is 3 years old, we will go back to the Developmental Center where he will be re-tested. There is a 30% chance the diagnosis will be dropped.

I used to see that as a 70% chance my son will be....wrong. I heard it whispered in my ear all the time.

That was when I was angry, and that was when I was hurting.

The first thing we did to 'fight back' was make drastic changes to Daniels diet. Autism, to get really basic here, starts in the stomach. Ideally we clean up Daniels diet, his stomaching isn't working so hard to clean out toxins, and his brain can function better. We did a blood food allergy test, and eliminated basically everything. My sons diet is fruit, veggies, meat, eggs, corn and rice. Nothing pre packaged, and nothing that I don't make myself.

4 weeks later.

I have spent the last month accepting. I accepted 70%. I accepted this as my life. I accepted that Daniel will always be a fight, and I would never hear him say the word Momma. 70%.

I did not expect to see changes in Daniel and I didn't believe it when I started to see them. I didn't want to get my hopes up. 70% ... But they were there. They are still there. Every day I am seeing progress. Small, little things. I point to my nose, and he points to his. The fact that I can hold his attention and eye contact long enough for him to mimic me brings me to my knees in grateful prayer. Over and over again small, little things, happen that make my heart burst with joy. Pointing to an airplane and looking at me to share in the joy of seeing the aircraft. Running to my bedroom door when Nora crys after her nap. I didn't want to believe it, but I couldn't ignore it... still though, a 70% chance next year I would end up broken and devastated again.

Then there was one other change, one moment that changed my heart forever.

If you were there you wouldn't have any idea what happened. It was only clear to Taylor and I, but in his own way, like our secret language, Daniel told me that he loved me.

Out of everything I know about parenting, nothing prepared me for the rush of emotions I felt from hearing something I wished for so badly, something that I thought would never happen. I looked at Taylor, hesitated slightly holding back tears, and choked out the words for the first time

"We are going to be the 30%, aren't we?"

He looked at Daniel as if in hopeful thought, looked back at me, smiled and gave a confident nod.

"We are."